chicagorecap

There are many ways I could go about recounting my three days in Chicago -- descriptions of the clean city streets, tales of happy and helpful concierge interaction, or picture-taking adventures inside a big giant ass -- but instead, I'm just going to say this:

Merch.

If ever there were a reason to get on a plane, defy your own death, and spend hundreds of dollars on a three-day vacation, it is barrels upon barrels of Gutenberg! merchandise. Merchandise… that makes the world go round.

I'll admit that I was not expecting much when I arrived in the windy city. Having a good time with my friends, that was going to happen regardless. Seeing the greatest show ever written or created, that was a given.

But then there was the merch.

Before I made my way to the theater that night, all I had really been hoping for was a poster. A simple piece of oak tag that I could put in a frame and hang on my wall for inspiration. The New York production never had one. There was never anything available on the Internet. And yet, while my hope had been shattered before, a glimmer of it still remained in Chicago -- and I kept the faith.

That faith was then rewarded. With merch.

The Chicago presentation of Gutenberg! The Musical! was a non-equity production in a 65-seat theater, which under normal circumstances might lead the common theatergoer to predict not even getting a program. That is why when one enters the theater and sees a stand full of merchandise, they have to start believing in miracles.

I've heard many times that money doesn't buy you happiness.... but when you HAVE money and you can use it to buy Gutenberg! merchandise, happiness is included in every purchase. Maybe I didn't need doubles of every item, and maybe that hundred dollars would've been better spent on the poor, but happiness doesn't come in the form of charity.... it comes in merch.The show itself was also a whirlwind of goodness. The actors were hysterical. The show is still the greatest show ever. Our 800-mile trip was rewarded with greetings from cast and crew and an hour-long drink fest with a cast member afterwards. And I've witnessed firsthand that learning about the rehearsal process and the logistics of doing this show, from a person directly involved, is an incredible experience.

It is even better with merch.

As for the rest of the vacation, I walked a lot. I saw a lot. I had a lot of fun. A lot was learned. And a lot was done.

Another attraction is the Taste of Chicago, where for over a week, the entire city packs itself into a blazing hot park and samples of food are offered from all the city's restaurants. If one were less naive, paying $3 for a quarter slice of pizza might sound like a good idea, but instead, my compadres and I partook of the free games and walked away with t-shirts, photos, bags, and my personal favorite -- the suntan lotion.

Suntan lotion, if purchased in a Chicago grocery store, would have cost the average person $11, plus tax. And for those of you who've been paying attention, you all know what that money could have been better spent on.

Merch.

In the evening to celebrate our country's independence, time was spent on the Navy Pier, where because of some smart thinkin' individuals, we had prime staircase seats for the fireworks display -- which right after being announced to start at 9pm, shot up at 8:45. The Navy Pier also offered up some delicious funnel cake, a terrifying ferris wheel, and a crowd of obnoxious children to interact with all night.

In short, it was a lovely experience, and if not for the teenage intercourse sex show in a bathroom stall afterwards, the fireworks might have been memorable enough.

But alas, no.

Unfortunately, I did not have to pee on this July 4th evening, and so missed out on the entertaining peep show. But from watching the culprits run out of the ladies room like bats out of hell, and listening to the descriptions from my friends and hysterical strangers, I was able to feel like I was part of the experience.

And thankfully, I was to be present for the second sex show that would happen a day later.

During our trip, The Reagle Beagle, a local bar in town that no local actually seemed to know of, became a favorite of my friends and I because of its sitcom nostalgia feel and its affinity towards Vanilla Ice rap songs. On our first night there, we spent over an hour admiring the Doogie Howser posters on the wall and singing along to bad 80s pop music.

On our second night there, we watched old man make out with teenager.